Enamorada De Ti, Selena
Capitol Latin, USA
Rating: 23
by Andrew Casillas and Blanca Méndez
It has been decided that Andrew and Blanca will do joint Gchat reviews of all legends-plus-unworthies albums, and it’s especially fitting that the two Texans and Selena devotees discuss the latest affront to the Queen’s memory. So, they both signed into Spotify (because the album is not even worth the illegal download) to spare you the pain of actually listening to this atrocity.
Andrew: Alright!
LET'S DO THIS
Blanca: YES
I THINK WE SHOULD JUST STAY ON CAPS LOCK THE WHOLE TIME
A: No, no.
We gotta SAVE our outrage.
B: Fine.
A: I love how classy this album starts.
With the "solo piano" version of "No Me Queda Mas."
It’s like christening a Chick-fil-A or something.
B: Gross.
My thought was, why are we turning this into a piano lounge song??
A: What genre is this supposed to be?
B: Not this.
This is a song that always makes me cry.
And now I'm crying for all the wrong reasons.
A: Who the fuck is Samo?!
And why is he fucking up my favorite Selena song?!
B: From Camila...
A: Oh, cuz that's a relevant guest star.
B: This was the first duet to be released, I think. I heard it a while back, and it made me want to break things.
A: FUCK YOU GUITAR + SAMO VOCAL SOLO SECTION
B: His vocal style is almost repellent.
Okay, not almost.
Actually repellent.
Especially this hushed part.
I'm sure it works for his usual audience.
But keep it out of my Selena song.
A: I...I have no words for this "Tus Desprecios" piano thing.
B: For me it's this backup vocals thing.
WHAT IS THIS
A: Nothing about the music and the vocals go together AT ALL.
It sounds like Pink interpreting "Someone Like You."
BUT IF PINK WAS DEAD AND BEING EXPLOITED
B: I just can't.
I can't even imagine what whoever produced this was trying to accomplish.
A: This?
B: Besides that.
A: OK, FINALLY they put the piano away.
B: But now we have Cristian Castro.
Who cannot handle this song.
A: Yeah, he sounds terrible.
But at least there's INSTRUMENTS in this.
You know who could have pulled this off? Pepe Aguilar.
But, of course, why get anyone who can handle the song, right?
…
A: OH SHIT HERE WE GO GET 'EM DON OMAR
I like the Kumbia Kings-style guitar pickin'.
B: This is probably the least offensive duet.
A: Speaking of which: WHERE THE FUCK ARE KUMBIA KINGS AT?!
Was Pee Wee too busy?
B: Seriously.
Also, that name always cracks me up.
A: Don Omar? I know.
B: I like that he says thanks for this opportunity. So polite.
A: OK EVERYONE SHUT UP
SELENA + SELENA TOGETHER AT LAST
B: YESSSS
A: I'm just gonna sit back and let you talk for four minutes.
B: I’d already seen videos of Selena Gomez covering this song.
Like, at rodeos and stuff.
(Of course.)
So, I had an idea what to expect.
And, obviously, I’m partial to my girl Selena G.
But I’m not gonna front like this is a good duet.
Even though I like how she says "razona," like in Italian or something.
A: OK, I'm not gonna front—I laughed so hard at that.
B: But, I mean, it's kinda like Selena herself, how she wasn't fluent in Spanish.
But people gave her a break.
People need to give Selena G a break.
A: She can buy a break with that Disney money.
B: Selena kind of paved the way for a Selena G-type star.
And even though Selena G didn’t make her name in the Spanish-language market, she still identifies as Latina and clearly values that identity.
(I’ve watched a lot of interviews.)
But other Latinos don’t really embrace her,
which I find troubling.
Because having a Latina teen pop star in the mainstream is HUGE.
A: Latino people are harsh on one another?! WHO KNEW?!!
OH GOD HOW ARE THERE STILL 4 SONGS LEFT?!
B: These "updated" songs just don't do anything.
They just suck all the life and joy out of the music.
A: Just an FYI: this currently has seven five-star reviews on Amazon.
Seven people out there think this is a first-rate pop album.
B: I feel like there might be two extremes with this album:
People like us who are, like, HOW DARE YOU,
and people who will love anything Selena-related no matter what.
A: So, it’s been 17 years since the original "Techno Cumbia."
In which time, they've actually created and PERFECTED combinations of techno and cumbia.
And yet "Techno Cumbia 2012" sounds NOTHING LIKE FUCKING TECHNO.
B: I know!
A: Where is the Los Macuanos remix of this shit?!
B: They need to get on that.
I’m all for updating this track.
But this does not feel new at all.
A: Thing is, the vocal masters are obviously in PRISTINE shape.
And Selena had a great disco-ready voice.
I mean, you can hear some Lady Gaga-foreshadowing cadence on this track.
But where is the BIG BOOMING BASS?
And arpeggiated arpeggios?
Someone get 2 Chainz on the phone for the rap verse while Tony Gallardo lets his pet gerbil purr over the beat!
B: This is terrible.
It's like if Jason Mraz did a version of “El Chico del Apartamento 512.”
Which should never ever happen.
A: Couldn't put it better myself.
Do you catch the synthesizers in the background?
Stolen from a public access biography of Carl Sagan?
B: That's kinda perfect.
A: Finally—the last song.
OH NO ITS A MERENGUE MIX WHY JESUS WHYYYYYYY
B: THE SAX
A: The sax is back, Blanca. Don't you remember "Midnight City"?!
The only song in history to consist of ALL CHORUS.
B: Oh, I I don't think I made myself clear.
I am pro-sax.
A: I'll be honest, I think this is the best thing here.
Mainly because they're using an ACTUAL DJ to remix the song.
Someone whose name is attached to the thing and thus gives a shit.
B: Yeah, I’m into it.
A: Thank God.
It's over.
IT'S AN EASTER MIRACLE!
B: I guess all I have to say after that is: What an insult to Selena's memory.
I’m glad I never have to listen to this again.
Though, I might get that Selena G track just because.
A: I'd like to go on the record saying that I'll always love Selena's music, for both nostalgia and quality reasons, but this was a disgrace on so many levels
But the people who made this don't care...we know what they're up to:
Also, that name always cracks me up.
A: Don Omar? I know.
B: I like that he says thanks for this opportunity. So polite.
A: OK EVERYONE SHUT UP
SELENA + SELENA TOGETHER AT LAST
B: YESSSS
A: I'm just gonna sit back and let you talk for four minutes.
B: I’d already seen videos of Selena Gomez covering this song.
Like, at rodeos and stuff.
(Of course.)
So, I had an idea what to expect.
And, obviously, I’m partial to my girl Selena G.
But I’m not gonna front like this is a good duet.
Even though I like how she says "razona," like in Italian or something.
A: OK, I'm not gonna front—I laughed so hard at that.
B: But, I mean, it's kinda like Selena herself, how she wasn't fluent in Spanish.
But people gave her a break.
People need to give Selena G a break.
A: She can buy a break with that Disney money.
B: Selena kind of paved the way for a Selena G-type star.
And even though Selena G didn’t make her name in the Spanish-language market, she still identifies as Latina and clearly values that identity.
(I’ve watched a lot of interviews.)
But other Latinos don’t really embrace her,
which I find troubling.
Because having a Latina teen pop star in the mainstream is HUGE.
A: Latino people are harsh on one another?! WHO KNEW?!!
OH GOD HOW ARE THERE STILL 4 SONGS LEFT?!
B: These "updated" songs just don't do anything.
They just suck all the life and joy out of the music.
A: Just an FYI: this currently has seven five-star reviews on Amazon.
Seven people out there think this is a first-rate pop album.
B: I feel like there might be two extremes with this album:
People like us who are, like, HOW DARE YOU,
and people who will love anything Selena-related no matter what.
A: So, it’s been 17 years since the original "Techno Cumbia."
In which time, they've actually created and PERFECTED combinations of techno and cumbia.
And yet "Techno Cumbia 2012" sounds NOTHING LIKE FUCKING TECHNO.
B: I know!
A: Where is the Los Macuanos remix of this shit?!
B: They need to get on that.
I’m all for updating this track.
But this does not feel new at all.
A: Thing is, the vocal masters are obviously in PRISTINE shape.
And Selena had a great disco-ready voice.
I mean, you can hear some Lady Gaga-foreshadowing cadence on this track.
But where is the BIG BOOMING BASS?
And arpeggiated arpeggios?
Someone get 2 Chainz on the phone for the rap verse while Tony Gallardo lets his pet gerbil purr over the beat!
B: This is terrible.
It's like if Jason Mraz did a version of “El Chico del Apartamento 512.”
Which should never ever happen.
A: Couldn't put it better myself.
Do you catch the synthesizers in the background?
Stolen from a public access biography of Carl Sagan?
B: That's kinda perfect.
A: Finally—the last song.
OH NO ITS A MERENGUE MIX WHY JESUS WHYYYYYYY
B: THE SAX
A: The sax is back, Blanca. Don't you remember "Midnight City"?!
The only song in history to consist of ALL CHORUS.
B: Oh, I I don't think I made myself clear.
I am pro-sax.
A: I'll be honest, I think this is the best thing here.
Mainly because they're using an ACTUAL DJ to remix the song.
Someone whose name is attached to the thing and thus gives a shit.
B: Yeah, I’m into it.
A: Thank God.
It's over.
IT'S AN EASTER MIRACLE!
B: I guess all I have to say after that is: What an insult to Selena's memory.
I’m glad I never have to listen to this again.
Though, I might get that Selena G track just because.
A: I'd like to go on the record saying that I'll always love Selena's music, for both nostalgia and quality reasons, but this was a disgrace on so many levels
But the people who made this don't care...we know what they're up to: